Sex before marriage, I am unwed, pregnant alone and terrified
I was raised not to have sex before marriage, and now I am unwed, pregnant alone and terrified
After high school I became a missionary and traveled to Thailand, China, and Ukraine serving in orphanages and loving on women stuck in prostitution. Those two years were the best two years of my life. When God called me out of that season, I returned home and started a normal life. I got a job, an apartment, a car. Life was normal.
I started dating a man that had a past. I didn’t mind that. I believed in God’s redemption and would never judge someone’s past. We all have one…even I made mistakes in life despite ‘knowing better.’ Within three months I was completely head over heels and engaged. It was like a Nicholas Sparks love story. I met a gorgeous man who was leaving for basic training, we got engaged before he left, we wrote love letters back and forth while I was planning the wedding. As soon as he returned, we would be getting married. He always respected my wishes to save intimacy for our wedding night.
I now know the danger of that kind of love. It was blind,
spontaneous, obsessed. I loved and I wanted the perfect relationship. We were
both young and were terrible at communication. Fighting was almost thrilling.
He would chase after me and confess his love to me…in my mind that was normal
at the time. It somehow proved to me that he loved and would never leave me.
Even though I grew up in a Christian home I did not understand relationships.
This kind of relationship became draining and exhausting for us both, but the
wedding was planned…and even though this relationship was destroying us both, I
still loved him.
The relationship eventually ended and I was devastated. This
was not what I had planned and I was determined to fix it. Thinking sex would
fix what was broken, I gave in and gave him my whole self. He had that with
other women and maybe that was the problem…he needed that with me. I was a very
smart woman and always told the girls I lead in bible studies growing up that
sex would never fix problems in a relationship and it definitely would not keep
a man around if he was ready to leave. I knew this, but I did it anyways. This
decision did not fix the relationship, and later on I found out he was seeing
another woman and everything at that point came crashing down. I ruined myself
all for someone who never loved me, because I gave my heart to the wrong man.
Several years went by and I was okay. I prayed and promised
myself I wouldn’t make poor choices moving forward. One night, I was invited to
a friend’s house for a birthday celebration. I got off work early and didn’t
feel like spending another night alone in my apartment. That night I
reconnected with a a high school fling. We began texting. He would come to the
restaurant that I worked at and leave $40 tips on a $6 bill. It was so
comfortable and I loved talking to him. It was just like high school. He had
recently gotten out of a relationship that didn’t end well and I was still carrying
baggage from my previous relationship.
We were both broken people that ended up making poor choices
together. Over the course of a year we were an on-and-off-again couple. We
loved each other but were too broken at the time to have a healthy relationship
with each other. Unfortunately, when we decided to end the relationship, we
both moved to a new city. He moved for a job and I moved because it was time
for a fresh start. This made it hard to go through a break up when the only
people you know in your new city are each other.
A relationship was not in the cards for us, but we became
friends. We lived in the same apartment complex for a while, but he bought a
house and was moving down the road. When he moved we agreed to no longer see
each other as much or hang out. We needed to move on. But a week before he
moved, I found out I was pregnant.
I was completely in shock. I was told I would not be able to
have children naturally. This was supposed to be impossible. So, there I was.
Alone, scared, unwed, and pregnant. I knew God would forsake me. How could he
not? He tried to rescue me so many times from hurt and I just kept running back
to it. The next day I found a care provider and started trying to figure out my
next steps.
All I felt for weeks was anxiety. Telling family was difficult, explaining why was impossible. Evan and I supported each other the best we could but honestly just wanted away from each other. I started trying to figure how I would be a single mom. I wanted to move home but wanted to raise this baby near Evan. I would never want to raise a child without him/her having a father.
All I felt for weeks was anxiety. Telling family was difficult, explaining why was impossible. Evan and I supported each other the best we could but honestly just wanted away from each other. I started trying to figure how I would be a single mom. I wanted to move home but wanted to raise this baby near Evan. I would never want to raise a child without him/her having a father.
One day I sat at my desk at work crying. I felt so
overwhelmed but still kept this secret to myself. If I told the new small group
I was in at the church I was attending, I was afraid I would be asked to leave.
If I told the people I worked with, I was afraid of being seen as ‘easy.’ I
opened the Bible app on my phone and the verse that was in front of me was
Philippians 1:6 – And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you
will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
I knew then that no matter what the circumstances, my baby
was a work of God and a gift. He would be safe and I would carry this baby to
term. Little did I know this promise meant so much more.
I told my life group leader, Allison, and the first thing
out of her mouth was congratulations. I was shocked. As a Christian I didn’t
think I was allowed to be happy about this baby. She reminded me that God loved
me. He is forgiveness, love, redemption. We then announced to our whole small
group and they all celebrated with us. This process started out so scary, sad,
dark. God started giving me things I didn’t deserve. But he loved me.
This group continued with us through our pregnancy. Allison
was at doctors’ appointments and became my supporter through this pregnancy.
When I was having a hard day or needed to make a parenting decision, she was
the one who I would gather advice from. She asked me why Evan and I were not
together. All I could say was that it wasn’t an option. We both hurt each other
so much through our relationship that it could not be fixed.
This pregnancy made me confront my past with my ex and the
hurt I hid inside. I forgave myself for the decisions I made in the past and
God continued to remind me that I was His Beloved and I was redeemed. My past
did not define the woman who I was, the woman he made me to be. I was still
‘good enough’ to Him. In his eyes I was his child and He was beckoning me,
welcoming me back to Him.
To my surprise, God was also working in Evan’s heart. We
both forgave each other for the past. With wise counsel, Evan asked me to marry
him. What once started out as a hopeless and broken relationship was now
mending and becoming something so much more than I ever could have expected. We
celebrated a wedding, a baby shower, and the arrival of our son that year.
We became the people we are today because of the love and
support from others. We were able to welcome our son into this world because of
the love and support of others. We are called as people and as Christians to
love. I cannot imagine what it would have been like if I would have received
hate and judgement when I had to tell the people in my life that I was pregnant.
They never made me feel shame.
I am the mother of an unplanned pregnancy. I know what it’s like to be afraid and to feel like there is no light at the end of this tunnel. I was blessed with an amazing family and wonderful friends who became my tribe and helped me every step of the way. The people who loved me became the solution and not the problem. I now have a wonderful marriage that has blossomed despite an unplanned pregnancy and two miscarriages. I am the mother of a beautiful baby boy (and now little girl) because a woman who barely knew me became the solution and told me she had my back.
Courtesy of Ashleigh BeaverCourtesy of Ashleigh Beaver
I am now a birth doula for Labella birth and baby agency
because I want to become a solution in my city. I hope I can offer the same
love and support to women that are feeling the same way I was that night when I
found out my life would be changing forever. I was always told I was loved that
year. The year I felt so unworthy of it. Because of that love, I am where I am
today. Mothers, you are loved.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Ashleigh Beaver of Winston Salem, North Carolina. You can follow her journey here. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here, and subscribe to our best stories in our free newsletter here
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